Wow! What Just Hit Me or Thanks! I Needed That X

Do you ever feel the same?
Some of my thoughts and rambelings.
Back in early December I had an appointment with my doctor to discuss my next steps in treatment.
She had a blank paper and at the top she wrote Survivorship. We proceeded to go through a list of do's and don'ts to continue my my treatment. Since then I have been led to examine the big you are here
X
So you realize you face a lot of choices.
We all have them everyday.
But how do you weight your choices?
I mostly listened to a show on  the history of airplane crashes recently. It was fairly interesting as I recalled hearing about many of them in the news. I was struck by a few things. The huge amount of money and effort to find out what had gone wrong and then the money and effort that went into fixing the problem.
Wow! That's just like me, kind of.
What went wrong and how am I going to try to fix it.
Choices
You know they say we all have cancer inside us and our body is usually able to distroy it. And if it's not cancer well then you know there's likely something, or things, else.
Taking care of a body is work.
Near the end of the airplane show they said something I had heard before.
The most dangerous part of flying, is driving to the airport.
So how is that like being a cancer survivor?
How does that apply to the choices that have to be made everyday?
Here is the you are here X again.
It can pop up when you least expect it.
X
Don't be afraid of the wrong thing.
Read the map.
Know where you are going and file a flight plan every morning.
Always do it by asking for and listening for the directions.
Apply proper safety measures and enjoy flying.
X
Little known facts, in high school I took ground flight school.
The worlds busiest airport for take off and landing is in Van Nuys, California.
Our high school went there to visit the control tower. That was cool.
I probably have to put this life long dream in the category of fantasy but I would love to fly in a fighter jet. That is such a wonderful thought, the speed, the view, the dives and rolls.
As the pig would say, "Sheer adrenalin."
This makes me think of two things.
Thing 1 - my life.
Maybe I should apply this to my life and recent experiences. I know I can imagine the good feelings I would have, and easily ignore the thought of having to wrestle with the force of gravity.
So another quote "Life is pain highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something."
Thing 2 - A quote by Elder Dieter Uchtdorf. Well I couldn't find the exact quote I was looking for, but since most of his talks have a flying analogy maybe you can get a idea of what I might be thinking about.
The thought of not having a little more to do than I can handle can actually make me a little panicky. So I guess I need a challenge to keep me happy. If life doesn't give me a challenge I tend to make one. I have to try to put the brakes on my brain, to not run too much faster than myself. . I will have to say though, that has not been accomplished yet.
Caren: Tower this is Caren I am ready for departure.
Tower: You are cleared for take off, enjoy the ride.

Surgery Update

I had my final surgery on Monday. Everything went well and I came home Tuesday. This was a much easier surgery than my mastectomy.
My dear Aunts have said to me think of the advantages I will still be perky when I'm ninety.
My big challenge now is  I have to behave myself with no lifting or pulling for 3 weeks. I hope I don't forget.
My computer screen died a few weeks ago and doing this blog on my tablet has not been as easy as it is on my computer. I will try to be more attentive to it.

Mountains and Love

I am going to share with you one of my more personal lessons. It's is a little difficult to open up like this but maybe it will be healing to me and helpful to someone else. Having cancer I am told, and as I have discovered, has many components, some are the many emotions that people feel. This is my emotional lesson from my cancer and it is about Mountains and Love.
I can recognize in myself a lifetime desire, to not be weak. I am not sure of all the reasons, maybe to cover up a very sensitive heart. It may have come from enduring years of teasing in elementary school, and so I built a wall around me so that my emotions would not show. In 5th grade I could run faster than the boys in my class. I hung out with boys in high school because I thought girls were too prissy. As an adult I had a friend tell me I had an over developed sense of competition. Though I have taken notice that my children inherited this same competitive nature. I have shown my own sons and daughters how to work like men and a few men also along the way.  I also like to think of myself as self reliant, I've made my own soap from scratch, prepared a deer hide the old fashion way for tanning, gardened, and canned, and sewn, done my a lot of my own plumbing and completed many different kinds of construction projects. Raised a calf, pig, and and prepared for eating, my own chickens and rabbits. I like to think I am not afraid to stand up for what is right. I attended many city counsel meetings in Los Angeles and for the most part was the only person carrying this issue before them, and by doing so made a water rate difference for large families in the city of Los Angeles. I can and have done many other hard things. I try to conquer the challenges of my life. So my biggest struggle with this cancer is my own problem with feeling weak. I am not sure why I have been so sensitive about this. It certainly isn't the first time I've ever needed help. I have accepted help before and gladly given help to others and felt the blessings for the opportunities to serve. I don't know if I looked around more this time to see that others also had problems so why should I give them one more. But sometimes I never knew what someone could do or what to ask for until it was 11:00pm at night and then it was to late. I had to dry my tears and be strong and know that I could do it and I did. I got through my surgeries and my chemo with the help of many people.
Many people shared there love and concern and that brought great comfort to me. But it didn't really solve my other problem of feeling weak and of being afraid to ask for help. So over and over I would visit with my cancer team members about the same problem. I could have a perfectly sound conversation about the problem knowing exactly how I should feel about it and then I would be struggling again. Maybe I needed to be the one serving more, at least emotionally but I felt like a drain and a burden. I can look back to the past and see my own rather bad situations and still felt like when I served it was a blessing to me. I have certainly giving this counsel to others to accept help.
We'll I would meet to discuss this with my hypnotist. Strange to me, because I never thought that anything like a hypnotist or acupuncturist would be beneficial to me, but I'm glad they were able to be on my team. Many of you may know that my cancer treatment center sits up high on the side of a mountain. As we sat and talked he said to me. Is the chair you are sitting in that is supporting you, weak because it is being supported by the floor? And is the floor weak because it is supported by the beams? And is the building weak because it is being supported by the mountain? This sunk deep into my heart as he continued with the mountain being supported by the foundations of the earth. And our solar system supporting the earth and the galaxy by the universe and I could see and hear in my mind God commanding his creation. These things were not creations of weakness but of obedience to him because of the love and light that he gives to all his creation. It is a glorious thought. I am one of his creations and through him my desires and my heart are to help support those around me. And try to more humbly accept that I might be required to take a turn as the receiver of help.

As I work to write this down still questioning my sanity for doing so. I felt like I should be done for the day right about here and went to try to lay down in my own bed since my surgery on Monday. My back and neck started hurting probably because they are trying to uncurl from this week. I thought how nice it would be to have some arnica on my back, but I knew how tiered we were and I didn't want to ask again for help. But then I began to feel bad because I didn't want  to ask for help. At least I'm learning to communicate that better at home, and so I got some arnica on my back and it felt so much better. But instead of falling to sleep right away I laid there and thought about what was wrong with me and this problem. It was suggested that I try to relax. I'm getting much better at that too and then the thought came to me about what might be the difference between the last few months and the rest of my life. 

Can I blame this hypersensitivity of this issue of asking for help on the chemo drugs. Maybe it's part of what they call chemo brain. I got up out of bed to come and write this down. I'm not looking for an excuse, just a reason why it has been so hard at times when most other times I was just fine. Maybe this will help me to relax a little more as I learn to accept my Heavenly Father's tutoring plan for my life.

Doctrine and Covenants 88

 5 Which glory is that of the church of the Firstborn, even of God, the holiest of all, through Jesus Christ his Son—

 6 He that ascended up on high, as also he descended below all things, in that he comprehended all things, that he might be in all and through all things, the light of truth;

 7 Which truth shineth. This is the light of Christ. As also he is in the sun, and the light of the sun, and the power thereof by which it was made.

 8 As also he is in the moon, and is the light of the moon, and the power thereof by which it was made;

 9 As also the light of the stars, and the power thereof by which they were made;

 10 And the earth also, and the power thereof, even the earth upon which you stand.

 11 And the light which shineth, which giveth you light, is through him who enlighteneth your eyes, which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings;

 12 Which light proceedeth forth from the presence of God to fill the immensity of space—

 13 The light which is in all things, which giveth life to all things, which is the claw by which all things are governed, even the power of God who sitteth upon his throne, who is in the bosom of eternity, who is in the midst of all things.

What can I learn from this? I am glad I continued to make this journey of thought tonight. I know that Christ did not descend below all things because he was weak.

I should not define my trials as weakness but opportunities for understanding and strength of maybe a different kind.

I think there is wisdom in looking at how Heavenly Fathers creations support one another. I know that all things testify of Christ and that his light is for us to seek and be guided by.

That mountain I was on that ultimately supported the chair upon which I sat that day were not things of weakness.

My Father in Heaven looks at me as his lovely daughter even if my head is only fuzzy and my body is scarred. There is healing in his wings. 

I have a work to do and through everything that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with that supports me, I know that I have support to give to others. Not out of weakness but of my Love for my Savior, Love for my Family, and Love for those with who surround me no matter how great or small, if it is done with all my heart it is enough.

This should be a lesson never to be forgotten. Mountains and Love

Love to you all
Caren